Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hey La Nina, You're Stupid.

Anyone who lives in and around Portland is probably beginning to wonder if summer will ever come to these parts. The answer is "no". And here's why:

This is something I learned while watching The Weather Channel at my local, so bear with me. It was almost impossible to hear the meteorologist. But between the occasional audible sound bite and my whiskey soaked imagination I was able to piece together the following assessment, which is 85% true:

The crap weather we're experiencing in the Greater Portland area is a direct result of La Nina, the self-absorbed and promiscuous sister of El Nino (I'm not making this up...except for the promiscuous part...but you never know).

In spite of a recent run of warm, sunny days (which is all a trick), I have reason to believe that La Nina has no plans of leaving these parts, even though her brother El Nino is still kicking it in the Gulf (in spite of what BP did to his crib). Which means that nosotros are gonna be seeing mucho of La Nina.

While I can't predict the future, I do know a couple things to be certain:

(1) La Nina is not going anywhere.
(2) La Nina is passive aggressive and dumb.
(3) La Nina might be adopted.
(4) The corned beef sandwich I had yesterday was delicious.

One more thing I know is that La Nina's on-again, off-again current needs to make up its god damn mind. Honestly, if I need to rock a sweater in July I'm cool with that (anyone who's seen my deep, bountiful wardrobe will understand why). But this tempestuous game La Nina keeps playing makes me want to:

(1) Vomit
(2) Play Yahtzee
(3) Vacuum
(4) Shave Z's head.

Right now I'm getting worked up and need to settle down. It's 35 degrees at the moment and I can't afford to lose any more body heat. So until tomorrow....


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