Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What an Arrogant Animal.
Portland is renowned for its hippy-dippy vibe and deep passion for nature. But the photo above, snapped today by the brother of a friend in a nearby park, makes me want to hug a Republican. I have nothing against squirrels. But what the hell is he/she doing in a harness? And what's up with that smug grin he/she is wearing? In this instance most people would typically point the finger at the owner (for upsetting the fragile balance between man and nature). But that's hippy liberal garbage. The real culprit here is that shifty bastard of a squirrel. Based on this one photo, he's obviously feeling pretty good about himself. You know, like after years of living in the woods he's finally conned some dork into providing three hots and a cot and a couple belly strokes before bed. What he/she doesn't realize is that he/she has just given up his/her freedom. And now he/she is no better off than some dude doing 15-30 in Attica. What if the owner is boring and listens to Hanson and has really obnoxious friends and watches reruns of Webster and smokes clove cigarettes and cleans their toenails all day? If we assume all of these things to be true, then we can also assume that Mr. Squirrel has just made a terrible decision. Guess that cozy nest up in Forest Park doesn't look so bad now, does it little buddy?