Following a senseless and bloody four-year war of attrition, I’m proud to announce that my home is now squirrel-free. At approximately 3:47 on Friday afternoon, Sgt. Tim McVey of the 24/7 Wildlife Brigade and I swept the attic of enemy combatants, sealed the perimeter and waited for the terrorists to return from an afternoon picnic. Somewhere around 7 pm that night, the colony was spotted on the roof looking dumbfounded and confused, at which point I rained a blistering barrage of stones on their furry heads and said culprits fled from the roof in terror. Excluding a few horrified neighbors, it was an utterly flawless operation.
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