Wait a Second.

I've seen some weird shit in my time, but what happened Saturday night takes the cake. Upon returning to the crib after an expensive night on the town, my girlfriend and I were greeted by this hate letter outside the front door:



At first I thought it was yet another prank courtesy of my impish neighbors. But then I looked closer, and noticed there were walnut shavings and a crudely chewed stump. Then it hit me--the squirrels!! Apparently those little terrorists are trying to get inside my head. Now we all know that squirrels can't write, and that someone with opposable thumbs covertly supported this attack. I can't say for certain, but evidence pulled from the crime scene points directly to the husband-and-wife terrorist cell, We Kill Birds. While I can appreciate their intentions (they are, after all, a couple of frustrated hippies), I'm appalled by their hostile, insensitive and utterly hypocritical act. As I continue to sort through my feelings, I'll just leave the perps with a little taste of what awaits the next time they come crawling around my mansion: